The Truth about the Disney Princesses

This Christmas(this is not a typo I intentionally decided to thumb my nose at the word Holiday) season I was shopping for my children. I have recently been blessed with a little girl in my family and as a result I have been forced to wander like a blind woodsman through the girl toys isle. While trying to decipher directions from the local bilingual shelf replacement specialist I found myself in an isle completely dedicated to Disney Princesses. This isle had everything from dolls of each princess starting from newborn on up to adult, clothes and accessories, all the way up to lip balm. This got me thinking....how does one choose which princess to invest in? I  refuse to be the fool who does not have the facts to justify why I chose Tiana chap stick over Snow White. And with that I give you a full analysis of the Disney Princesses.

	SNOW WHITE - "The Favorite" Is she the prettiest? Nope, in fact she is reasonably masculine. Can she sing? Yes, if a high pitch the likes of a universal dog whistle that causes all manner of animals to seek her out in order to destroy the incessant noise, if that is considered song she has no equal. Does she come from a good family? Well, considering that her only living relative tried to have her heart cutout I would say no. So why is it that all of the other princesses are told by Poppa Disney, "Why can't you be more like your sister Snow White?". Not sure of the actual reasoning but it can be said that if Cinderella gets a new stagecoach, Snow gets a new Ferrari. Snow White is the only princess who can live with 7 men of all ages who suffer from dwarfism and not make the front page of a politically correct news rag. Apparently if you help start a billion dollar media empire you receive some perks.
	Ariel - "The Slutty One" Lets use the same questions from Snow White. Is she the prettiest? Gorgeous if not number one definitely in the top 3. Can she sing? Like an angel! so well in fact octo-witches spend every waking hour trying to find a way to snatch said voice. Does she come from a good family? Daughter of the king of the sea who is one of the few that can pull off the "shirtless trident" look and can build a castle that is "anatomically correct". However, even with these things in her favor most people still can not get over the fact that her wardrobe can basically be found when the tide comes in. Personally I think the other princesses pick on her because of her fishtail disability. Disney has a long way to go as far as human rights goes.
	Aurora - "The Pretty One" Gorgeous and rich, not much can stand in the way of this princess...unless it contains numbers, reading, common sense, and of course the dreaded spinning wheel. It may be unfair for me to insinuate that Aurora is not a Mensa but the point needs to be made that she is either lacking in intelligence or is the most accident prone individual in the kingdom. 3 magical fairies and a kingdom on alert could not keep this princess from pricking her finger despite Maleficent giving them the date, time, item and general location of when it would happen. If it were me it would take an army of fairies to get me out of bed when I was Aurora's age let alone forcing me to partake in craft time. Regardless it is good this one can teach our daughters just how far looks can get you.
	Tiana - "The Unlucky One" What is Tiana princess of? New Orleans? Talk about a disappointing inheritance when compared to her other princess counterparts. Her castle at best is a plantation near the bayou that needs a bug net and renovation. I equate New Orleans to a porta potty...I visit it a whole lot but sure do not want to own one. In fact as far as I can tell every bad event that has happened to Tiana is directly related to New Orleans. From an outsiders stand point Tiana has all the necessary skills to succeed, strong work ethic, goal oriented, frugal, persistent, and she can make a killer pastry. With all theses skills she should flourish anywhere else. Instead she gets swindled by a corrupt banker who wears Marti gra beads and is forced to turn to voodoo. Even life through the Disney rose colored looking glass still has edges.
	Belle - "The Scandalous One" Stop me when you find the item that society may deem in bad taste. Belle's dad wanders around the forest drunk until he finds a old overgrown castle which he decides to break into and treat as his own personal frat house. Upon being discovered by the owner who just happens to be a giant raccoon bear, the father quickly sells his daughter into servitude rather then have a misdemeanor on his personal record. Not only does Belle find this acceptable she decides to throw taboo to the wind and start a relationship with the giant house pet. I don't see anything the press would find unusual do you?
	Cinderella - "The Center of Attention" Cinderella was a girl who lived in a nice house and had a caring family. One day Cinderella hears that her two sisters have the opportunity to meet the man they have been fawning over for ages. Cinderella wants to go but she was technically not invited. Does that stop Cinderella? NO! Not only does she crash the party but she enlists the help of a bloated fairy and a horde of rats to not only distract the prince away from her sisters but she wants to make the entire guest list oogle her dangerous fashion sense by wearing the most impractical shoes ever conceived. Does anyone really think this was a fair fight as far as the sisters are concerned when fighting for the affection of this prince? Would anyone seriously not seek out a girl who arrives in a pumpkin carriage, wears glass footwear and plays extremely hard to get? I think the true loser in this story was cupid as he is most likely unemployed after this debacle.
	Jasmine - "The Rule Breaker" Every family has that sibling who can be found sneaking out at night because she can. In this case Jasmine not only snuck out at night she returned with a street walker who talks to a lamp and a monkey. If there is a rule Jasmine will break it. I am pretty sure that Jasmine's attire is reserved not for royal Arabian princesses but for belly dancing entertainment. In fact I think just recently a women was stoned to death in that same kingdom cause she decided to get crazy and show some ankle. I sure hope Alladin knows that now that he has earned the approval of the Sultan Jasmine will probably replace him with a street walking murder who is friends with a crocodile.
	Mulan- "The Forgotten One" Hey remember that princess who came from that pretend place called China? Remember she was the one who dishonored her family by being born female. Remember she was the one who further dishonored her family by fighting in place of her crippled father. She is also the one who made a prince fall in love with her while she pretended to be a boy and then got him to marry her in a time when all princes had a traveling Harem of at least 200 women. You really don't remember? Yeah me either...My guess is that Mulan got a scholarship to some ivy league college....bet she chose Yale.(Mulan's father bows his head in dishonor)
	Pocahontas - "The Victim" Ladies, remember how you had that boyfriend that your dad told you just did not seem right but you still dated him anyway? well lets talk about Pocahontas. Not only did she fall for an outsider, it was an outsider voiced by Mel Gibson! As a result is anyone surprised when Pocahontas became a victim of domestic abuse? Domestic abuse you ask? Yes Pocahontas did not have to nurse a black eye she just had to nurse the wounds of her entire culture as her live-in boyfriend and his frat boy friends slowly took all of her ancestors' traditions and teachings and funneled them into a giant beer bong known as the United States land grab. Bet it is awkward when they all get together for thanksgiving on the newly acquired swamp land reservation and talk about plans to open a casino. Pocahontas should be heralded as the epitome of the "I Told Ya So".
	Rapunzel - "The Creepy One" Ever meet a girl who uses there hair to climb, fight, bind things, heal people and when she sings it glows? Did I also mention that this same girl has basically lived in a bomb shelter her whole life and she thinks grass is the "bees knees" and gets distracted by shiny things and likes to collect garbage and people? Gotta say that although Rapunzel would be fun to bring to parties I have a feeling she has a long dating future based on guys losing bets.

Top 5 Imaginary Creatures

I often bump into people who tell me gilded tales of creatures from far off places like china, Alaska and west valley and have decided to catalog the most fearsome and intriguing of these creatures. So without further delay here are my top ten imaginary creatures:

5. Leprechauns

As the myth goes these delightful little rapscallions are full of trickery and hide a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. If you were lucky enough to catch one they could grant wishes as well as lead you to said pot of gold. I, like most eager youth heard this story and set out to catch one of these delightful fellows and was successful to an extent. Although I never saw any gold and very few wishes were granted, I did have a leprechaun in captivity for a matter of months. However my cleaning lady alerted the authorities and my leprechaun was set free. Although the courts forbid me to say much more about my leprechaun I will tell you that he has a delightful reality show on TLC.

4. The Abominable Snowman

First let me start of by saying I tried to do my research on this and watched 2 movies both named Jack Frost. One was about a overworked father played by Michael Keaton who, like real life, is accidentally turned into a snowman to help him realize life without the family he has been ignoring for many years. The second was about a snowman who goes on a murderous rampage. I contend that if someone were to splice these two movies together you would not be able to tell the difference and in the end I still feel my 4 year old could watch it and still would never fear the likes of a ball of snow shaped like a man. I assume the Abominable Snowman is king of all snow man so taking into account my previous analysis I picture a snowman only bigger. Regardless the fact that a mountainous people in the Himalayas still quiver at the mention of a giant snowman will forever be one of life's little mysteries.

3. Eskimos

Is there anything more threatening to the ocean wildlife then the dreaded "Eskimo"? A myth created in the 50's by animal activists to derail the use of environmentally friendly whale blubber, the "Eskimo" is responsible for many trends including slippers, winter weight gain, and gasoline snuffing. The coined phrase, "I didn't do it....must have been an Eskimo" is still used today in many political circles.

2. The Nothing

I have posted 20 photos of "The Nothing" beware. Whats that you say? you can not see them.....well that is the biggest threat from the nothing is nothingness. What is more menacing then "The Nothing" which brings with it the power of nothingness? When I pray at night I am always aware that "The Nothing" could be hiding under my bed or worse yet, "The Nothing" may be accompanied by "the Something"! This is what nightmares are made of. Without the ability to post any other evidence of the nothing I decided to post this video that makes all girls, children, and senior citizens hate the nothing as much as me.

1. Steve Jobs

I think all of you have heard of this amazing work of fiction. Steve Jobs is actually a Pseudonym for computer genius Bill Gates. Gates used stock footage of a janitor from his college days and would attach specialized marketing messages to help sell defective products not fit for Microsoft's client base and at an inflated price. Gates, not wanting to be accused of piracy invented Steve Jobs to take the brunt of the criticisms. However many bought into the concept of paying 300 dollars for repackaged products and suddenly the myth of Steve Jobs was born. Many still will argue fervently about the truth of this myth which is why he tops my list.

Top 10 Monsters of All Time

This blog is basicly my literary playground. You may not like my posts and they may range from sappy to downright offensive. So without further ado....Here is my top ten monsters of all time!!!!

10. Count Orlock from Nosferatu

When it comes to vampires I like 'em bald and freakishly ugly. The #1 rule of the vampire world is that if you are a vampire that looks like Robert Pattinson you are the Clay Aiken of the vampire world. Count Orlock Has no chance of fooling the ladies into submission with is freakish glare and unnerving snaggle teeth. The best is that when he is spotted he does the "Angry Deer in the Headlights" pose. For all these reasons alone he is my number 10.

9. The Lollypop Guild

Oh the nightmares these delightful half men provided for me when I was young. Not only were their haircuts enough to force any youngling to picture a miniature devil and Robert De Niro, but the fact they came bearing sweets brought back a huge coktail of stranger danger teachings as well as threats from my dentist.

8. The Wheelers from Return to Oz

Ahhhhhhh the Wheelers. These guys made me fall into the fetal position anytime I heard a squeaky wheel at the grocery store. Why these guys still give me the creeps is unknown but I think it has something to do with the streamers they add to those marti gra masks. Also I hope you are noticing the trend that this is the second member of the land of Oz to make it on this list…..Kids movie my tookus.

7. Boy on Bike from In the Mouth of Madness

This scene is one of those that haunts you anytime you are driving at night. Although it really did not enhance the show it provided the lingering creep factor for years to come….and some forced snuggle time with my wife who was my girlfriend at the time.

6. An Angry Mickey Rooney

Is there anything scarier than the Mickster gnashing his teeth while running towards you at the speed of a sickly dog? I don't think so!! Mickey Rooney who I colorfully refer to as the un-ironed dwarf, gives the same looks of disgust my grandfather used to give when I refused to rub his feet. Either way when Mickey's beady little eyes lock on you with that rabid raccoon stare it is the very definition of fear.

5. Meowing Boy from the Grudge

What's scarier than a Japanese boy? A Japanese boy with a Beatles' haircut, What's scarier than that? If said Japanese boy is white enough to make an albino look tan, what is scarier than that? If the same boy meow's like a cat whose tail gets yanked by a toddler. Being Japanese you would think I could shed some insight into the artist concepts behind this catnip toddler but I have no clue. All I can say is, "Kids this is why Drugs are Bad".

4. Darkness from Legend

Now let's be clear. I am no fan of Satan but if I was forced to invite the devil to a dinner party I would hope he looks like this. By far the best movie devil ever created, I almost considered a career in the dark arts because of this character that is until I learned that under all of that latex and makeup it was the wimpy butler from the movie Clue. Regardless I remember holding deer antlers up to my temples and charging my sister which I still believe is acceptable behavior all thanks largely to this character.

3. Quato from Total Recall

Whoa! Is that indigestion.....no maybe it is just irritable bowel syndrome.....no wait i know it is a mind reading mutant who has chosen me as his sembiant and now will randomly blurt forth from my bread basket! Silly me I was worried it might be something serious! Quato is one of the few characters that can make Arnold Schwarzanegger appear to be the normal one. "Quaid........Quaid....".

2. Hand from Evil Dead 2

There is so much good in this movie it is hard to pick one event but some of the best moments from my childhood can be traced back to this one scene. Not much more to say other then Enjoy!

1. Katy Perry

Has any one person caused more damage to modern day civilization then Katy Perry? With here anti-siren's song she has caused more people to lose hope in droves as all the extremely untalented now have an idol. He screech causes animals to scatter and plants to perish. Her boyish good looks have caused mass confusion from coast to coast. Her song firework gave me to simultaneous ear infections as well as weeks of therapy. Beware the threat is real.