I often bump into people who tell me gilded tales of creatures from far off places like china, Alaska and west valley and have decided to catalog the most fearsome and intriguing of these creatures. So without further delay here are my top ten imaginary creatures:
5. Leprechauns
As the myth goes these delightful little rapscallions are full of trickery and hide a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. If you were lucky enough to catch one they could grant wishes as well as lead you to said pot of gold. I, like most eager youth heard this story and set out to catch one of these delightful fellows and was successful to an extent. Although I never saw any gold and very few wishes were granted, I did have a leprechaun in captivity for a matter of months. However my cleaning lady alerted the authorities and my leprechaun was set free. Although the courts forbid me to say much more about my leprechaun I will tell you that he has a delightful reality show on TLC.
4. The Abominable Snowman
First let me start of by saying I tried to do my research on this and watched 2 movies both named Jack Frost. One was about a overworked father played by Michael Keaton who, like real life, is accidentally turned into a snowman to help him realize life without the family he has been ignoring for many years. The second was about a snowman who goes on a murderous rampage. I contend that if someone were to splice these two movies together you would not be able to tell the difference and in the end I still feel my 4 year old could watch it and still would never fear the likes of a ball of snow shaped like a man. I assume the Abominable Snowman is king of all snow man so taking into account my previous analysis I picture a snowman only bigger. Regardless the fact that a mountainous people in the Himalayas still quiver at the mention of a giant snowman will forever be one of life's little mysteries.
3. Eskimos
Is there anything more threatening to the ocean wildlife then the dreaded "Eskimo"? A myth created in the 50's by animal activists to derail the use of environmentally friendly whale blubber, the "Eskimo" is responsible for many trends including slippers, winter weight gain, and gasoline snuffing. The coined phrase, "I didn't do it....must have been an Eskimo" is still used today in many political circles.
2. The Nothing
I have posted 20 photos of "The Nothing" beware. Whats that you say? you can not see them.....well that is the biggest threat from the nothing is nothingness. What is more menacing then "The Nothing" which brings with it the power of nothingness? When I pray at night I am always aware that "The Nothing" could be hiding under my bed or worse yet, "The Nothing" may be accompanied by "the Something"! This is what nightmares are made of. Without the ability to post any other evidence of the nothing I decided to post this video that makes all girls, children, and senior citizens hate the nothing as much as me.
1. Steve Jobs
I think all of you have heard of this amazing work of fiction. Steve Jobs is actually a Pseudonym for computer genius Bill Gates. Gates used stock footage of a janitor from his college days and would attach specialized marketing messages to help sell defective products not fit for Microsoft's client base and at an inflated price. Gates, not wanting to be accused of piracy invented Steve Jobs to take the brunt of the criticisms. However many bought into the concept of paying 300 dollars for repackaged products and suddenly the myth of Steve Jobs was born. Many still will argue fervently about the truth of this myth which is why he tops my list.
This blog is basicly my literary playground. You may not like my posts and they may range from sappy to downright offensive. So without further ado....Here is my top ten monsters of all time!!!!
10. Count Orlock from Nosferatu
When it comes to vampires I like 'em bald and freakishly ugly. The #1 rule of the vampire world is that if you are a vampire that looks like Robert Pattinson you are the Clay Aiken of the vampire world. Count Orlock Has no chance of fooling the ladies into submission with is freakish glare and unnerving snaggle teeth. The best is that when he is spotted he does the "Angry Deer in the Headlights" pose. For all these reasons alone he is my number 10.
9. The Lollypop Guild
Oh the nightmares these delightful half men provided for me when I was young. Not only were their haircuts enough to force any youngling to picture a miniature devil and Robert De Niro, but the fact they came bearing sweets brought back a huge coktail of stranger danger teachings as well as threats from my dentist.
8. The Wheelers from Return to Oz
Ahhhhhhh the Wheelers. These guys made me fall into the fetal position anytime I heard a squeaky wheel at the grocery store. Why these guys still give me the creeps is unknown but I think it has something to do with the streamers they add to those marti gra masks. Also I hope you are noticing the trend that this is the second member of the land of Oz to make it on this list…..Kids movie my tookus.
7. Boy on Bike from In the Mouth of Madness
This scene is one of those that haunts you anytime you are driving at night. Although it really did not enhance the show it provided the lingering creep factor for years to come….and some forced snuggle time with my wife who was my girlfriend at the time.
6. An Angry Mickey Rooney
Is there anything scarier than the Mickster gnashing his teeth while running towards you at the speed of a sickly dog? I don't think so!! Mickey Rooney who I colorfully refer to as the un-ironed dwarf, gives the same looks of disgust my grandfather used to give when I refused to rub his feet. Either way when Mickey's beady little eyes lock on you with that rabid raccoon stare it is the very definition of fear.
5. Meowing Boy from the Grudge
What's scarier than a Japanese boy? A Japanese boy with a Beatles' haircut, What's scarier than that? If said Japanese boy is white enough to make an albino look tan, what is scarier than that? If the same boy meow's like a cat whose tail gets yanked by a toddler. Being Japanese you would think I could shed some insight into the artist concepts behind this catnip toddler but I have no clue. All I can say is, "Kids this is why Drugs are Bad".
4. Darkness from Legend
Now let's be clear. I am no fan of Satan but if I was forced to invite the devil to a dinner party I would hope he looks like this. By far the best movie devil ever created, I almost considered a career in the dark arts because of this character that is until I learned that under all of that latex and makeup it was the wimpy butler from the movie Clue. Regardless I remember holding deer antlers up to my temples and charging my sister which I still believe is acceptable behavior all thanks largely to this character.
3. Quato from Total Recall
Whoa! Is that indigestion.....no maybe it is just irritable bowel syndrome.....no wait i know it is a mind reading mutant who has chosen me as his sembiant and now will randomly blurt forth from my bread basket! Silly me I was worried it might be something serious! Quato is one of the few characters that can make Arnold Schwarzanegger appear to be the normal one. "Quaid........Quaid....".
2. Hand from Evil Dead 2
There is so much good in this movie it is hard to pick one event but some of the best moments from my childhood can be traced back to this one scene. Not much more to say other then Enjoy!
1. Katy Perry
Has any one person caused more damage to modern day civilization then Katy Perry? With here anti-siren's song she has caused more people to lose hope in droves as all the extremely untalented now have an idol. He screech causes animals to scatter and plants to perish. Her boyish good looks have caused mass confusion from coast to coast. Her song firework gave me to simultaneous ear infections as well as weeks of therapy. Beware the threat is real.
