The Truth about the Disney Princesses

This Christmas(this is not a typo I intentionally decided to thumb my nose at the word Holiday) season I was shopping for my children. I have recently been blessed with a little girl in my family and as a result I have been forced to wander like a blind woodsman through the girl toys isle. While trying to decipher directions from the local bilingual shelf replacement specialist I found myself in an isle completely dedicated to Disney Princesses. This isle had everything from dolls of each princess starting from newborn on up to adult, clothes and accessories, all the way up to lip balm. This got me thinking....how does one choose which princess to invest in? I  refuse to be the fool who does not have the facts to justify why I chose Tiana chap stick over Snow White. And with that I give you a full analysis of the Disney Princesses.

	SNOW WHITE - "The Favorite" Is she the prettiest? Nope, in fact she is reasonably masculine. Can she sing? Yes, if a high pitch the likes of a universal dog whistle that causes all manner of animals to seek her out in order to destroy the incessant noise, if that is considered song she has no equal. Does she come from a good family? Well, considering that her only living relative tried to have her heart cutout I would say no. So why is it that all of the other princesses are told by Poppa Disney, "Why can't you be more like your sister Snow White?". Not sure of the actual reasoning but it can be said that if Cinderella gets a new stagecoach, Snow gets a new Ferrari. Snow White is the only princess who can live with 7 men of all ages who suffer from dwarfism and not make the front page of a politically correct news rag. Apparently if you help start a billion dollar media empire you receive some perks.
	Ariel - "The Slutty One" Lets use the same questions from Snow White. Is she the prettiest? Gorgeous if not number one definitely in the top 3. Can she sing? Like an angel! so well in fact octo-witches spend every waking hour trying to find a way to snatch said voice. Does she come from a good family? Daughter of the king of the sea who is one of the few that can pull off the "shirtless trident" look and can build a castle that is "anatomically correct". However, even with these things in her favor most people still can not get over the fact that her wardrobe can basically be found when the tide comes in. Personally I think the other princesses pick on her because of her fishtail disability. Disney has a long way to go as far as human rights goes.
	Aurora - "The Pretty One" Gorgeous and rich, not much can stand in the way of this princess...unless it contains numbers, reading, common sense, and of course the dreaded spinning wheel. It may be unfair for me to insinuate that Aurora is not a Mensa but the point needs to be made that she is either lacking in intelligence or is the most accident prone individual in the kingdom. 3 magical fairies and a kingdom on alert could not keep this princess from pricking her finger despite Maleficent giving them the date, time, item and general location of when it would happen. If it were me it would take an army of fairies to get me out of bed when I was Aurora's age let alone forcing me to partake in craft time. Regardless it is good this one can teach our daughters just how far looks can get you.
	Tiana - "The Unlucky One" What is Tiana princess of? New Orleans? Talk about a disappointing inheritance when compared to her other princess counterparts. Her castle at best is a plantation near the bayou that needs a bug net and renovation. I equate New Orleans to a porta potty...I visit it a whole lot but sure do not want to own one. In fact as far as I can tell every bad event that has happened to Tiana is directly related to New Orleans. From an outsiders stand point Tiana has all the necessary skills to succeed, strong work ethic, goal oriented, frugal, persistent, and she can make a killer pastry. With all theses skills she should flourish anywhere else. Instead she gets swindled by a corrupt banker who wears Marti gra beads and is forced to turn to voodoo. Even life through the Disney rose colored looking glass still has edges.
	Belle - "The Scandalous One" Stop me when you find the item that society may deem in bad taste. Belle's dad wanders around the forest drunk until he finds a old overgrown castle which he decides to break into and treat as his own personal frat house. Upon being discovered by the owner who just happens to be a giant raccoon bear, the father quickly sells his daughter into servitude rather then have a misdemeanor on his personal record. Not only does Belle find this acceptable she decides to throw taboo to the wind and start a relationship with the giant house pet. I don't see anything the press would find unusual do you?
	Cinderella - "The Center of Attention" Cinderella was a girl who lived in a nice house and had a caring family. One day Cinderella hears that her two sisters have the opportunity to meet the man they have been fawning over for ages. Cinderella wants to go but she was technically not invited. Does that stop Cinderella? NO! Not only does she crash the party but she enlists the help of a bloated fairy and a horde of rats to not only distract the prince away from her sisters but she wants to make the entire guest list oogle her dangerous fashion sense by wearing the most impractical shoes ever conceived. Does anyone really think this was a fair fight as far as the sisters are concerned when fighting for the affection of this prince? Would anyone seriously not seek out a girl who arrives in a pumpkin carriage, wears glass footwear and plays extremely hard to get? I think the true loser in this story was cupid as he is most likely unemployed after this debacle.
	Jasmine - "The Rule Breaker" Every family has that sibling who can be found sneaking out at night because she can. In this case Jasmine not only snuck out at night she returned with a street walker who talks to a lamp and a monkey. If there is a rule Jasmine will break it. I am pretty sure that Jasmine's attire is reserved not for royal Arabian princesses but for belly dancing entertainment. In fact I think just recently a women was stoned to death in that same kingdom cause she decided to get crazy and show some ankle. I sure hope Alladin knows that now that he has earned the approval of the Sultan Jasmine will probably replace him with a street walking murder who is friends with a crocodile.
	Mulan- "The Forgotten One" Hey remember that princess who came from that pretend place called China? Remember she was the one who dishonored her family by being born female. Remember she was the one who further dishonored her family by fighting in place of her crippled father. She is also the one who made a prince fall in love with her while she pretended to be a boy and then got him to marry her in a time when all princes had a traveling Harem of at least 200 women. You really don't remember? Yeah me either...My guess is that Mulan got a scholarship to some ivy league college....bet she chose Yale.(Mulan's father bows his head in dishonor)
	Pocahontas - "The Victim" Ladies, remember how you had that boyfriend that your dad told you just did not seem right but you still dated him anyway? well lets talk about Pocahontas. Not only did she fall for an outsider, it was an outsider voiced by Mel Gibson! As a result is anyone surprised when Pocahontas became a victim of domestic abuse? Domestic abuse you ask? Yes Pocahontas did not have to nurse a black eye she just had to nurse the wounds of her entire culture as her live-in boyfriend and his frat boy friends slowly took all of her ancestors' traditions and teachings and funneled them into a giant beer bong known as the United States land grab. Bet it is awkward when they all get together for thanksgiving on the newly acquired swamp land reservation and talk about plans to open a casino. Pocahontas should be heralded as the epitome of the "I Told Ya So".
	Rapunzel - "The Creepy One" Ever meet a girl who uses there hair to climb, fight, bind things, heal people and when she sings it glows? Did I also mention that this same girl has basically lived in a bomb shelter her whole life and she thinks grass is the "bees knees" and gets distracted by shiny things and likes to collect garbage and people? Gotta say that although Rapunzel would be fun to bring to parties I have a feeling she has a long dating future based on guys losing bets.